Pretend, Please

   As I age, I seem to be losing the desire for absolute transparency. It isn't an accountability issue, as I don't have a problem with that. This has to do with the intricate system of honesty, truth, loyalty, and commitment that comes with a relationship. It has to do with my heart and her heart, where they meet, and where they overlap. My wife and I have been together for 18 years and we have been in almost every kind of situation together. We grew up together, we had four kids together, and our love never quits growing and evolving.
   The general philosophy of our union is that we cannot be "one" if there is anything between us; you could call it a "trust-based system". It has served us well so far. Before our wedding, we had a man tell us that the best way to run a relationship is through giving. He said, "If both of you give to the other constantly, then neither one of you will ever be in need." It's so simple, right?
   No. It is very complicated. Human nature and history have a pretty sound case on all of us being easily conditioned, and are in general habitual and cyclical. What I mean is that we are selfish by nature; especially when it comes down to what we need. She is better at giving than I am, which is an understatement, but I have an eighteen year long record; one that might get an SEC coach fired, but not an NFL coach. I don't have any real statistics, so make of it what you will. If you ask her, we are even and it's silly for me to think otherwise.
   Through the years there have been changes and circumstances that we have tromped through like it was nothing. Now that we are older, I have experienced situations that I really want to force her to stop doing this or that in. I have also caused commanding situations by simply opening my mouth. The result of my uninformed bullshit almost always ends with a sacrifice on her part. When these kinds of situations arise, I want so badly to tell her to just hide it from me, or just pretend that it doesn't exist where I am concerned. Please, don't let me take this away from you. Take what you need and somehow separate me from that person or whatever.
   Failed logic. I always forget. Separation is the opposite of how this works, or has worked. Some things have to be cut off to achieve a truly honest relationship with another, but I hate being the one that demands something from her that I know will subtract from her life. She would do it herself without my opinion getting thrown in there.
   Lisa, I might be less divided tomorrow, and maybe less confused, but if not, I love you and I will always come to the same conclusion at "the end of the ditch". There is nothing worth more than your capacity to love, and I will defend that huge heart of yours until you tell me to stop. -J

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