Relationship Tips: Because Half Are Failing

There has been a wave of -mostly unqualified- advice blogs in the writing world lately, and it has inspired me to do the same. My qualifications consist of an eighteen year relationship with a wonderful woman, sixteen of those married. No certificates, just raw life experience. We also threw four daughters into the mix, which makes success possible against all odds. We are equally imperfect. We haven't used magic to date because we have found ways to keep the magic between us alive all this time. In true advice form, I have compiled a list of pointers that just might help. I am assuming that both partners care for, and desire a better relationship.

1. The give-give cycle.

The man who married us taught us this principle. He told us that it is impossible to out-give each other, and if we are always giving to the other, neither of us should be left wanting. This is difficult sometimes due to life, but it works. It takes practice and patience.

2. Accept the seasons, and know that you will dislike your mate periodically

It is guaranteed that one or the other of you will go through a puke stage at some point in your life. Outside factors usually play a part; job issues, financial problems, kids, legal issues, lonliness, insecurity, mid-life... Whatever the problem, we will experience unexplainable changes that can make you prefer to not be around your partner. Don't try to fight it; embrace it and learn from it. It will end, usually with a renewed sense of passion for both.

3. Forgiveness

Some couples may escape any problems with third parties, but infidelity plays a huge role in relationship failure. An affair is not a prerequisite for divorce. It hurts terribly, and the perpetrator may be done with the relationship, but there is a sliver of hope. If the willingness is there, it can be worked out if both of you can truly forgive each other for the offense commited to your relationship. The catalyst is rarely hard to identify, making it easier to sort through and deal with it. Neither of you will ever forget what happened, so we are left with a greater need to communicate. The best way to start healing is forgiveness.

4. You are one soul

The term "soul mate" has been used to the point of losing it's meaning, and by one soul, I mean that we can be linked so closely that there is no possibility of a breach. Maintaining individuality is a must, and being linked should not effect who you are apart from them. Avoiding a one-dimensional union is critical. Each person has a role that has to be filled. A thorough understanding of your role will cause you to crash into each other, strengthening the bond.

5. The male role

I haven't met a woman yet that wants a daddy. There is a fine line between making her feel safe and lording over her, leading to suffocation. Our role as men should be unlocking her potential. She should know that no matter what she does, you are behind her supporting and encouraging her endeavors. The confidence you give her will cause sexy results every time. This takes an active effort; nothing but love comes naturally, and love isn't enough. Be her best friend.

6. The female role

Many women understand how delicate the male ego is. As the feminine ingredient, supporting your man properly shouldn't be so difficult. Most men want a mommy to take care of them, because we generally have fuzzy memories of our mommy's doing everything for us. It is the job of the lady to balance this in a healthy way. Domestic chores should never be exclusive to the woman. Men should be encouraged to break the stereotype that men work outside, and women do the dishes and laundry. It is a partnership, not a hierarchy.

7. Women submit

This principle is important to understand. It is not a religious concept. Men are natural leaders by the default settings of our society, but not the boss. Again, there is an overlap of duties. She will lead the way at times, and he should follow. A woman submitting to her man is not about her laying down ready to fulfill his every whim. Until the man earns her respect and trust, she has no reason to listen to him. Likewise, if a man does not provide that environment he should expect to have his words fall to the ground. Equal submission, equal respect.

8. The divorce option

We decided a long time ago that there should be nothing that we cannot work through. The only time we talk about divorce is when it is someone else. In our darkest period (seventh year), we considered it, then decided that we would get back together. It would only cost money we didn't have, and lots of bullshit dealing with court and lawyers. Taking this option off the table is liberating, and tends to remove the scrutiny of each other's actions. Remember, the odds of a successful marriage are 50/50. When one of you start to entertain the prospect of divorce, think about why you got together in the first place. Remember the things that caused you to fall in love to the point of making a life-long commitment. Replicate those things. Go on a date to the places you went in the beginning.

9.Finances

Most of us will have financial problems at some point. Living on a cash only basis is tough when you are scraping the peanut butter jar, but running from credit, and paying cash for the things you must have is best. By nature, credit forces you to pay multi-billion dollar banks to condone your lack of patience. This is one of the leading causes of divorce, but over time, a commitment to responsible, sustainable finance is critical. Some argue that a mortgage and cars are admissable forms of debt, and saving that amount of money is usually out of the question. How many free things are there to fulfill us beyond material possessions?  Try focusing on your spouse. Money will come and go, don't let it rule your marriage.

10. Happiness

Happiness is a temporary, fleeting emotion, and no one can give it to you. If your mate makes you happy, look out, a day will come when you can't depend on him/her for your happiness. It is rational to want to be happy, but a constant pursuit will drive you to frustration; especially if you are looking to another person. Like money, it will come and go. Sometimes your favorite person will make happiness impossible, and we should expect it. The trick is to train your focus on the quest for peace, and happiness might begin to come naturally -but only sometimes.

That's some of what I have seen so far. The bottom line in a relationship is constant commitment. It takes practice and discipline every day. If your foundations and boundaries are well defined, trainwrecks and devastating surprises will be few and far between. Love each other. Tomorrow they may be gone.

                                            Love, Johnny

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