Independence

American independence is being celebrated today. Maybe the peeping-tom agencies will take the day off so we can say whatever we want and not get arrested for terrorism.

How many people will be talking about bombs today? It would be so unfair to record an innocent citizen for being excited about booming fireworks. When I was a kid, I loved mixing the ingredients of bottle rockets, missiles, grenades and bullets to celebrate my country's independence. There's nothing like a huge explosion to make me feel like we won -a couple hundred years ago of course.

My neighborhood has been alight like the killing fields of Afghanistan for days so far, and it won't subside until the sixth or seventh. I decided that I would direct my missiles at the neighbors with the best fireworks displays this year. That way they will know that they are the most annoying at least. That may sound under-handed, but I don't have time to tell them all one at a time.

My lady won't let me go gangsta and fire a few rounds from my gat. I explained trajectory to her, and that I wouldn't fire it straight up, but you know, sometimes it doesn't matter how smart I think I am. Note: No one can tell the difference between gunfire and fireworks. My dad told me once that a man can be completely right and completely wrong at the same time when it comes to the wonderful creature that is a woman. So, no gunfire.

I won't be grilling this year because I already ate meat this month. I am a horrible American for that I know, but the red dye in beef is too much for my stomach. I destroyed it building America in 100 degree weather. I also destroyed my neck, shoulder, hip and both ankles. By jingo!

I hope all of my American friends have a great day off and avoid fuse burns. Happy 4th everyone!

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