Why Is Goliath Beating David?

There is a fable called "David and Goliath" in which a young boy named "David", a simple shepherd boy who goes up against a giant named "Goliath". Goliath belongs to a tribe of warmongers, and they pick on the tribe that Dave belongs to. David's tribe is scared shitless of Goliath's tribe. That is understandable given that Goliath was allegedly a giant.

One day, Goliath was pissed off for some reason, and I think his lackey's were high-fiving him, filling him with pride and confidence. So he marches his big ass over to Dave's territory (somewhere around his sheep). When he gets there, everyone runs away like scaredy bitches. David is the only one left; remember, he's around 12 years old. Goliath is dressed in full armor, minus headgear, plus sword. He is babbling on and on, looking for someone to fight him. David, armed with a crude slingshot, presumably crafted from the finest hemp fiber, and some smooth stones is the only one to step up to fight this giant.

While Goliath is beating his chest, saying, "Is there no one who will fight me?", Dave is swinging his slingshot. When David gets enough of the giant's bullshit, his slingshot reaches terminal velocity. Goliath, in his booming voice yells, "Is this the best you have? A boy who takes care of sheep?" Of course no one is there because they all ran away and hid in a thicket; like sheep do when a wolf is lurking. Goliath was so big that his intelect left something to be desired, so he stood there waving his sword around, talking to no one but poor Dave.

The following is NSFW, or children under thirteen.

Now David is pissed off that this giant retard is threatening him; a twelve year-old boy. Without another second of hesitation, Dave releases the slingshot sending the smooth stone at Goliath with dead-on accuracy. As the rock is spinning toward Goliath, David waits calmly for his stone bullet to strike. You see, David packs a slingshot to ward off wolves that threaten his sheep. Imagine the skill...

The stone reaches it's destination; Goliath's forehead. As the story goes, he dropped like a rock, and was killed instantly. A little boy slayed the giant. David wasn't satisfied though, and he decided that he would make an example of this big douche bag. He marched up to Goliath's corpse, picked up his giant sword and cut his sixty-five pound melon off. I think he probably spit on him too.

Fast-forward the tape a few thousand years, and we arrive at the present. For some reason, the tables have turned. Goliath has been hoarding money within his tribe, while David's people remained shepherds for all these years. Goliath and his handful of undeserving heirs now hold all of David's sheep hostage with their bank accounts. Goliath did this by changing his name to "Jeff", but David finally wisened and changed his name to "Johnny".

Johnny knows some people who have seen this abuse of pretty much anyone who speaks. Jeff yells like he did back then, and most cower. The truth is that no matter what family you come from, there is always a boy out there who will out-fox the landed gentry, fire back at the feaux monarchs of America, toss a hand at the courtly, and dismiss their behavior as temporary amnesty for the sake of timing.

I left one part out. David became one of the most powerful kings of all time. The cycle will repeat. 

Jeff, since you are obviously bored to the point of picking on a housewife, here are some David and Goliath coloring pages.

Photo credit: jpdaily.wordpress.com

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