The Doctor of Philosophy

   I am waiting for my turn in the office. This is the least busy doctor's office I have ever visited. I have never seen more than three patients in the waiting room at the same time. My doctor is a no nonsense type of guy. He is popular in Mobile, and has been practicing for over thirty years. He has been a breath of fresh air for me since leaving the cattle farmers of Alta Pointe. Don't be fooled by the fancy spelling of "Pointe"; there is nothing fancy about it. They have over 12,000 "consumers", we call them patients. I was over, under, and inadequately medicated, and the therapist learned more about my issue from me, than he taught me. I never saw the same Dr. twice, leaving no room for continuity of treatment. One Dr. didn't speak a word of English (Chinese), and after an hour of sitting in a room, he came in, looked at me for an uncomfortably long time, and then glued his eyes to the screen that contains my darkest secrets. I was labeled as "drug seeking" when I was 19, so even at 35 my treatment reflected that. Sometimes I didn't even get a doctor, I got a nurse practitioner who knew nothing about me or my "case". I will save the "Nurse Practitioner That Smells Like Cat Shit" for later.
   My goal today is to talk about what can be done to make everything perfect. I have my bargaining chips ready, and if I need them I will use them. Like I said, he is a cool guy, so I will probably be able to state my case clearly and we will come to an agreement on what's best. This whole thing is a mind game by nature, so it is reccomended that you take notes. Over the years I have compiled a list of things that you should never tell a psychiatrist.

1. I hear voices
2. I have harmed any kind of animal (this includes fish, mice, cats...)
3. I want to hurt someone
4. I want to hurt myself
5. I hurt myself
6. I hurt someone
7. I think about death all the time
8. I use illicit drugs
9. I see things that no one else sees
10. I refuse to pay a copayment when the doctor didn't give me what I wanted

If a patient adheres to these, they will be assured their freedom; freedom from being locked up in a psyche ward. There will be no police involvement. If you are super nice, they might even give you a pill for anxiety. Don't we all have massive anxiety? Most can get their xanax and klonipin from the family doctor these days. Unless you took a step of bravery one day and sought treatment for your mental illness, take heed; these people can make your life good if you write down that list and keep it with you for every appointment. They won't tell all your friends either so you control who knows. Think of it as your Facebook privacy settings. The only way your privacy can be breached is if you commit a criminal act.
   
  

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