Facebook: The Perfect Status or The Unassuming Cynic


Note: No part of my research included you; I understand how vital Facebook is for so many great people, and what a wealth of wholesome, time worthy activities it provides.

Facebook can be a very competitive place. Whether you get into a political discussion with a one-dimensional bigot, or if you are sending a declaration of fb war to a family member, there is always a current of wanting to win. Even a simple status needs to be thought out carefully. The unwritten law is to say the thing that could possibly go viral; shares, likes, google+, tweets, re-tweets... Hell, I might even blog about a great status. (that would reach 6 people!)

I have this girl that I hang out with, and she keeps me somewhat connected to fb culture. Lately though, I have noticed that the statuses have kind of lost their edge. I have stewed on this long enough, and I feel like I need to intervene. Your status has to grab people by the throat and say, "You stupid liberal!" or, "Don't be inboxing my boyfriend bitch!" or, "When will they stop killing us with corn, and flavors made from different kinds of acids?!"  Something original like that.

It doesn't end there. The responsibility of the status maker goes much deeper. Your status is like a torch, and the more people you attract, the more torches you light. If the wrong "torch" gets lit, you might as well go to church and confess to them how your words made another person get blocked from fb. You should think of it as a sales job, only without the potential to earn anything. True, grassroots social networking veterans would never try to profit from you. So, your torch should be lit with all the fire that the first amendment allows. Your attention index will go through the roof if only you can capture your emotional meltdown in status form. A million torches; all because you put your most embarrassing rant possible up for lots of people to laugh at, or to be inspired by.

With that said, we need a new group of people who are willing to commit to making statuses effect people in a deeper way. Pictures of puppies in a pile of leaves isn't going to move fb forward any more. We need people that can propel arguments beyond any shred of rationality. We need in-laws who are not afraid to tell their spouse's family to back off, and exactly why they need to back off. Facebook culture will surely wilt if you don't give specifics about family fights. It will go extinct if users keep using class and self control while trying to describe their most abhorrent, ex friend. Let loose. Drop mis-spelled f-bombs, tell your aunt's step-kid that he is an inbred hack. Those are the things that get noticed. Please do your part to make fb stay afloat; if it fails, millions will be out of work. This is one institution that truly is too big to fail.

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