SubmitTo Some Guy Who Doesn't Know You

I'm sure that the whole "submit to your husband" has an effect greater than the voices of insecure preachers, and men who know very little about women. I can imagine the relief a man must have when his preacher spits about this on Sunday morning; even though lunch is foremost on his mind. It has permiated and clouded the minds of women as well. This is typically a religious issue, but the implications that the church has added and misconstrued make me gag, so aside from one bible verse, this is not a religious article. The verse is what started it...

Ephesians 5:22, some in between, and 5:33. Wives submit to your husbands...  For the husband is the head of the wife...  ...so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything... However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Taken at face value, that sounds like sexism at it's pinnacle. The problem is that the message there is so grossly taken out of context, that it has essentially come to mean that a husband always has the final say, and that a wife should be ready at all times to "serve" her husband, or to be submissive. I have seen this play out in many marriages; especially during my church years. Yeah, it's horrible. A couple in my extended family lived this principle out for 35 years. He was even a preacher. An otherwise smart, beautiful, energetic woman was pushed down to her husband's feet because the verse was twisted to serve his purpose. She was to stay home, have babies, and cook. There is nothing wrong with being a housewife, but if it is happening as a tool for the oppression of a woman, it is completely wrong. This happened for 35 years, long after the four kids were grown. The silver lining is that a woman's heart, and the fire within will rarely be quenched; even by the worst of tyrants over a lifetime. When it finally fell apart (on his terms), and after the damage of a divorce that left her with nothing, she emerged. Her heart started beating again, and she was finally able to use her gifts to benefit others. She is a brilliant artist and seamstress, and so much more. Her greatest gift is her ability to come back to life, and her ability to love, no matter what kind of abuse she saw during those years.

So what went wrong? He followed his instructions perfectly, and lived a great, pampered life. She did what she was taught as well, but didn't have such a great life at all. There are a few things wrong with this principle -in the wrong context. Respect is the first. Where does respect come from? In my experience, it is earned and not granted. Even a first grade teacher has to earn the respect of her students. Apply that to something as deep as a marriage. If it started this way, it will probably remain so; especially when a group you belong to believes the same way. In the real world, if a man doesn't earn her respect, she should never submit. She should guard herself from him if he demands it. If the man won't do his job, the woman is excused. This is the fine line between respect and abuse, and a relationship born on or over this line should be reconsidered.

A man's job in a marriage is to love and support his wife. What if this love is a reflection of his ego, and not for who she is? This love will always be one-sided. It comes down to that misguided principle. Love will not last if it is not reciprocated. Saying the words might mean something in the beginning, but anyone can fall in "love". Any couple who sticks it out will learn that love grows and evolves in the right conditions. You have to remember that people do not change. In the event of a religious or anti-religious enlightenment, habits can change, but who a person is will never change.

We can change the nature of our relationships. If the love is there, respect has been earned, and your wife is free to think and act as she wills, there is hope. Most men don't marry so they can have a maid. I hope most men aren't afraid of what a liberated woman will do. Most women don't want to be a man's slave, and if allowed to breathe, they will probably blow your mind again. Any insecurities on either side can be cured when the man creates an atmosphere for his wife to thrive in. Most of the time women are way better at relationships, but even if that is the case, it is the man's responsibility to give her a chance to show you what she can do.