Balance

Balance seems an unachievable goal most of the time. There are so many things that pull us away from our various techniques to stay balanced. It is possible for me, but balance is fleeting. It feels more like a tight rope walk with a stiff cross wind. I have four daughters, a wife, a dog, a cat, and a rabbit. All of them need me to some degree every day. (the rabbit is sweet, but my least favorite because I am the "only one" that can clean her cage) I love my job very much, but it is demanding, and overwhelming at times.

My best shot at balance comes in the wee hours of the morning; the time that I would rather be sleeping. For some reason, probably my age and imbalance, I wake up between three and four. I decided last night that I would stay up, and perhaps find that place inside where peace and balance can be found. If Spring ever comes, I will most likely stay outside with my dog, Loki. We are the only male specemins, so we're pretty tight. I think this will be the best time to do my best work. I can sit and write for a few hours without worrying about garlic butter being slung across the kitchen, or any other crisis that kids produce. They pull off the most amazing things; things that I couldn't dream up on drugs. So maybe in the near future I will have enough unfettered time to find balance.

To be balanced in a family situation, it takes sacrifice on all parts; especially on daddy. I am the mighty alpha male figurehead. I am the medic. I am the equalizer, the protector, and the fencepost. What I say is the final word sometimes. They even go along with my plans every once in a while. I am also the permissive parent, so I get trampled often. (they will appreciate that one day) All of that is cool with me though, and I wouldn't trade this life for anything. Eventually L and I will be empty nesters, and we will probably be fine after having raised four girls. That might sound mean, but we really like to be together. Quiet. Not re-painting over sharpie and crayon and nail polish once a week. This could start sounding like a case for limiting your children to two or three, but it's not.

I really don't like going to church. I had seen enough by fifteen, and ran from it at eighteen. I have been in many denominations and styles of church. I have seen the dryest, most comically dead churches, and the most wild of zealots shake, and yell in the tongues of...well, idiots. After having been married for a few years, and having our first baby, we thought going to church would be the right thing to do. So we did. Throughout our twenties, we went to two or three different churches. I found the same thing at all of them and decided at thirty-two that it was enough. No matter what flavor the church was, I couldn't get on board. I vowed to myself then to never set foot in another one, ever.

A few weeks ago, we recieved an invitation to a relative's church. My first response was "hell no", but it would mean so much to this relative. I yielded. The next week we brought the kids. The oldest (14) was indifferent like me, the six and eight year-olds liked it, and the four year-old hated it and took a nap on my shoulder in the main service. Our eight year-old said after the service, "They made us find one sentence out of a stupid book". They are too much like me sometimes.

After the second visit, I was done. I had already destroyed my promise, and again, I saw nothing different at this place. I will say that the preacher man made me laugh a few times. He said, "Ignorant redneck!" at the top of his vocal range. Living in Alabama without being Alabama will induce this phrase often. He is Alabama. That isn't enough for me though. Sunday is my work day, and church robs me of that.

Tuesday night as I was putting the girls to bed, one of them asked me very excitedly if we were going to church next Sunday. The other two sat up with expectant looks on their faces, and the word "balance" hit me. All of a sudden, balance had to do with the desires of my girls. If I had said "no", they would have forgiven me, but not soon. I caved. There is no way I would go against them, especially after losing a vote four to one. It would be completely unbalanced, not to mention mean. There is something to be said for the power of three little girls hanging on the silence of my decision making process. I said "yes", and they were so happy, that I felt a sense, and a source of balance instantly. It didn't make sense at first because I am going to a place that doesn't need me, and the thought of church generally throws me into disarray. Seeing my sweethearts smiles' though, erased that and now I have a slightly better idea of how to achieve balance even when it is attached to something tabboo.