Happy Church Day

It is a beautiful Spring-like morning in Mobile. You might need to wear a jacket over your short dress, or a sweater over your button down shirt. Also, ladies, you might want to go easy on the costume jewelery that sits on your bare chest, for your deeply scooping neckline; plastic and metal can make you colder. Aside form staying warm, it is a great morning to wake up and run your ass off to get ready, get in a fight with your spouse, beat a couple kids for losing a shoe, then go to church. Don't worry though; no one will know by the time you get there.

I know there are many churches of many flavors, but they all adhere to the same basic program. Whether it be explicitly printed in your bulletin, or more of an implied order of service, they are the same. Some of you will hear a "butterflies and carebears" type of message. Some of you will feel like the filthiest sinner ever, after the sermon you get lashed by. Some of you will be asleep as soon as the last organ note, or guitar power chord goes quiet. That is shameful, and may hurt your preacher's feelings. (unless you are a habitual offender) (then he won't care)

The next surprise, after the worship session is the message. What will it be? Will it be a light-hearted explanation of hell, or a fairy tale from the old testament? Will the message fill you with so much guilt that you think you might not really be saved? Will you learn something?

What are they teaching your kids? Are they only coloring pictures of Moses and the sinners that built the all-American golden calf? Are they solidifying unsubstantiated fiction into your children? What if their Sunday school teacher has tattoos? Is that alright with you? What if they are teaching them that the building they are in was paid for by their parents, and that's why they can't go to the Chinese buffet after church? Probably not. You probably trust them blindly.

I prefer to spend time with my kids on Sunday. Churching divides us by age, and I think that's bullshit. Why is it so hard to take responsibility for teaching your kids instead of letting someone else do it? If it is because you haven't studied your manual, you are failing your kids. It is impossible to teach someone something that you are ignorant of. This is the same problem with school. You child's teacher depends on you to fill in the gaps left by time restraints at school.

The last church I attended has produced more atheists and drug addicts than I could ever have imagined. I used to wonder why, but then I decided that the mystery of it all is a waste of time to even think about. I deduced that the whole thing is a categorical failure due to it being another money changing room. The stories and the politics are abhorrent. Preaching a political agenda is perverted. Church and everything that surrounds it is nothing more than a wing of the government, designed to keep people subdued. Who gives a fuck if you can get twenty-five kids to lip-sync a song.

There is a thing called "fiction" that you can consume alone in your home. It is far more entertaining, and a whore bath is not required. So I offer this: Before you dress like a slut or an important business man for church, sleep in. Let some other sheep do it, and take your kids out to eat before the church people get out. I assure you it will save you a twenty-five minute wait.

At the very least, think about the habit of going somewhere every week, and see if it really lines up with what your book says. It is one addiction that is easy to de-tox from, letting you deal with the habits that are causing you more harm than even church can. I won't name those. So, next week when you go anyway, tell your preacher and the elders that I warned you that they are crooks and thieves. Please do not pray for me. Pray for yourself. Most of all, I hope your waste of a beautiful day finds something redemptive beyond Chinese food. Happy Sunday!!!!!!!1

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